PERHAPS!!!

                                                                                

                He just sat and stared at the empty computer screen as the screensaver started rolling in. Things like this were not supposed to happen… he was not prepared for it. The first instinct was to reject all the crazy feelings surfacing up. He wanted to close his mind to all that was happening in his heart. But his mind had also turned against him. Perhaps it had made allies with the stupid heart.

He had trained his mind well to keep his feelings under control….to restrict them. But, maybe his mind was not strong enough.

                He sighed over the fact that things were beyond his control now. Neither his mind nor his heart was listening to him. Frustrated over his own helplessness, he looked around to find that the entire office was empty. He was so lost in his thought that he did not even realize that it was way past his working hours.

                He got up, packed his bag, zipped up his jacket and started to leave. He had to walk a good 1/5 kilometer before he could get an auto-rickshaw to his home. As he approached the door he realized that he had left his I-card at his desk. He moaned and dragged himself back to his seat to get his i-card. As he was coming back, he glanced at her seat. A smile ran across his face…. He had no idea why that happened.

                He kept on thinking about her as he walked out of his office. She was not the prettiest, yet every expression looked so gorgeous on her face. She was not the funniest, yet every joke seemed so hilarious. She did not have the sweetest of voice, yet he felt like listening to her for hours. He usually would get bored listening to other people ramble, but everything about her was so interesting. She was not perfect, but everything seemed so perfect.

                She was the first thing he would search when he reached office. Any day she was absent felt dull and other days were amazing. A smile on her face would light a bulb in his heart. Whenever she looked sad, all he could think was of ways to make her smile.

                Something was different about this girl. He had had a lot of infatuations, but this was not one of those. He would discuss about his infatuations with his friends and act silly as the girl passed by. But in this case not a soul knew about his feelings. He knew it was more serious than just an infatuation. Perhaps this was it….. PERHAPS……

Disclaimer: All the characters in this blog are fictional. Any resemblance to the dead or living is purely co-incidental.

THE UGLY GOODBYES

Tired with the day’s work we retired to our office canteen to have tea and relax. Evening tea was ritual for our group (me, mk, shanno, manno n dhanno) and we had made it a point not to miss it. We all had our nicknames and m not saying what’s mine ;) . As soon as it was 5, we would head to our teerth sthaan(holy place), "THE CANTEEN". Most of the days the tea was just yuck, but what we liked was sitting together bitching about the work. It’s not that we always bitched about the work, but it was our favorite topic.

It was 15^th of Feb., a day after THE Valentine’s Day. My dear friends had been with their counterparts enjoying the V-Day. For us it was just another Tuesday, but for them it was the best day of the year, as if they had been watching doordarshan on a black n white TV and somebody got them a colour TV with latest channels on it. This is the closest description of their feelings that I can give, but I bet they felt much better than this.

We sat down with our cup of tea to talk about the V-Day celebrations. Everybody was pretty much excited to talk about it. Shanno showed us their pic... it was really cute, but she seemed a bit sad. Her boyfriend lived in another state and he had left this morning. She had been there at airport to bid him good bye. She seemed sad about that. MK started laughing n said, "u r acting as if he is going to Kargil for a war". She got a bit angry n said, "How would you know how tough it is to bid goodbye to someone you love". These words did have some effect on me coz it drove me into a flashback.

I had been in the same situation, saying goodbye to my girlfriend in an airport. My entire memory started reeling in front of my eyes in a flash. The most amazing thing about flashbacks is that you would just see the entire phase of your life in a few seconds.

It was 10^th of May, a day after my birthday. I had already checked the newspaper thrice hoping that it was still 9^th May, but the newspaper always showed the wrong date. We were sitting in the cab taking us to the airport. She sat beside me in my arms, her head resting over my shoulders. It was really a very warm feeling, something heavenly. It felt like my heart was at peace. As if it needed nothing except to be with her. Nothing in the world could match this feeling. We sat there quietly, both of our heart beating fast as the cab journey was coming to an end. I wished in my heart that this cab journey would never end but it reached the airport. My heart winced at the thought of her leaving. It felt as if it was our last moment together and we might not see each other again.

We got down the cab and I helped her unload her luggage. We stood there faking a smile, trying to act as if everything was fine,…….. it was not the end of the world. But could somebody explain this to our stupid, crazy hearts. Her flight time was getting near. It felt as if the clocks were running faster. God was playing some kind of practical joke, only it was not at all funny.

The announcement for security check had started. We both knew that it was time. I looked into her eyes, it was getting moist. I could feel my eyes getting moist too. I kept on telling myself not to cry…… after all guys don’t cry. I gave her a hug. I wanted to hold her like that forever.

I could feel a few drops trickle down my cheek. I quickly wiped them off before she could see them and carried on with my fake smile. I bet she did the same. Then she moved in for the security check. I was standing outside looking at her go ahead. Then she looked back. She could no more manage the fake smile. It felt like the entire world stopped, my heart stopped beating. That look on her face told everything. I wished I could pull her back into my arms and tell her "I love you". But all I could do was wave a goodbye. I stood there until I could see her no more. Everything looked so hazy. Maybe it was the tears that welled up in my eyes.

The entire scene flashed in front of my eye and I could feel the same feeling in my heart again. I wished she was there with me. The few seconds of flashback had re-winded an entire phase of my life. I looked up to shanno. I wanted to tell her, "I do know how it feels to say goodbye", but all I could do was fake another smile.

MY EVIL BROTHER

24 years of coexistence and neither of us have ever agreed on anything. I consider him evil coz I guess his methods and thinking doesn’t match with what is termed as good in our society. He tells me that it’s the perception of people. He reasons with me and everything seems so correct when I see things from his side. In my heart I know he is not correct, but trust me, he can be quiet convincing.

My evil brother, he is the most dashing personality I have ever met. He looks just like me, except that he has spiked hair, a good muscular body, a charming voice and everything that I have ever wished to have. He is really smart, intelligent, brave and very cunning. He can sweep anybody off their feet with his charm and wits. He is indeed the best candidate for Darwin’s theory, "Survival Of the Fittest".

Whenever there is a decision to be made, to choose between the right and the wrong, he would come to me and help me decide. He would give me the weirdest of ideas (I still don’t know from where he gets those ideas). He would present them with such reasons that it would make perfect sense.

Once he told me how saving money was a old man’s job and that we could get so many good things if we could get that money from the piggy bank,… after all it was our own money,… we did not need anybody’s permission for that. He nagged me for weeks till I finally stole the money. I still hate him very much for that.

We have grown up together and the only thing I like about him is that he has never ever left me alone. He has always been there for me. When I am broken and my heart is all covered with dark clouds, he would always come to support me no matter what. He would wipe my tears, pull me up to stand against the worst of situations and help me fight back. Even though I never liked his ways of fighting back, but he has always been a support for me.

He would tell me, whatever he wants me to do is for our good only. He just wants us to be happy. He says, "I don’t care about what happens to others. I just want us to be happy, even at the cost of anyone else’s happiness. Everyone in this world is selfish. All they care about is their own happiness. So would it hurt to think about our own wellbeing, and be a little selfish?"

I reason him by telling that I have friends who do care about me. They would always be there for me. To this he would give that cunning smile (GOD!!!! I HATE THAT SMILE SO MUCH) and say," Wait till they are not around. You will need me to survive". He acts as if he knows everything.

Sometimes I think that he may be right, and I should let him control me for a while. But then, suddenly my conscience would drop my heavy book of principles on my head and I would tell him to shut up and drag him to what I think is correct. I guess we will never agree on anything. He would keep on persuading me to go his way and I would keep on dragging him with my principles.

I know he is somewhere in there smiling at what I am writing, coz he probably knows that he would win. But let me tell him that I won’t give up and this is a never ending battle that will continue till death draws us apart.